This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there’s a frog inside. The blonde says, “He’s cute, but does he do tricks?” The guy says, “Yea, he licks pussy.” So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, “Well? what’s up?” The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, “All right, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, “I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.”
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says “Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur”? The bunny says “No”. So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I’m going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that’s wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I’ve got to try it again.
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it’s wrong now I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I’ve got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I’m a nun, ain’t ever had none, and ain’t ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped… She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I’ve got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, “what?” So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor “What’s that thing hanging between my husbands legs?”
The doctor replies “We call that the penis.” The new bride then asks “What’s that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?”
The doctor replies “We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks “What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?”
The doctor replies “Lady, on him I don’t know, but on me they’re the cheeks of my ass!”
Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,
“Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?”
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, “Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?”
“Silly,” she replied, “I take my pantyhose off in the shower!”
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for ‘Viagra’. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks ‘why, is your dick in that much pain?’, ‘no’, says the guy, ‘it’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!’
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says “Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?” The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says “Hey man, do you want some of that?” And the hitch hiker says “Sure, but just don’t smack me so hard.”
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin’ and a shakin’. The first flea asked, “What the hell happened to you?” To which the second flea replied “I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I’m so very coldddd!” The first flea said, “Don’t you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm”. The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin’, shakin’, and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed “Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?” To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says “My wife’s so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice.” The second fellow says “Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!”